Joe Thornton Facts

These have been spreading like wildfire through all the forums and it has a right to be here too. Sooo freaking funny.


Joe Thornton played the first four weeks of the San Jose Sharks 2006-2007 regular season with a broken toe, a broken finger, and severe strep throat. That almost made it a fair fight.

Joe Thornton never loses the puck. The puck occasionally realizes that it is not worthy of being in the presence of Joe Thornton.

Your television set has never displayed a sexier threesome than Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau, and Jonathan Cheechoo.

The only reason Chris Pronger is alive is because Joe Thornton finds his futile efforts amusing.

San Jose is the safest metropolitan city in the United States. Criminals know better than to mess with Joe Thornton.

Scientists estimate that most modern nuclear weapons have the energy equivalent to one Joe Thornton shoulder check.

The reason it's warmer during the summer is because the sun can finally get help from Joe Thornton. Joe Thornton doesn't care what the weather is like outside a hockey arena until the offseason.

Joe Thornton once won a swimming competition by freezing the pool and skating across. The judge thought about disqualifying him, until he saw Joe Thornton winding up for a slap shot.

Joe Thornton could save Los Angeles in 24 minutes. Unfortunately, Los Angeles does not deserve Joe Thornton.

Scientists found a much more efficient way to search for intelligent life in the universe. They simply attach a post-it note with the word "Sup" to a hockey puck, and a Joe Thornton wrist shot launches the puck, with pinpoint accuracy, to every planet out there. The scientists know there's intelligent life on a planet if they see red goal lights flashing.

Every time Joe Thornton loses a faceoff, a baby dies in the womb.

When a Tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around, Joe Thornton hears it fall.

There is no such thing as "disabled" people. Only people who have been checked by Joe Thornton.

Joe Thornton is the only person in the world who has permission to touch MC Hammer.

Joe Thornton can cure any disease. If there were a block of ice that stretched from San Jose to Africa, the AIDS epidemic would be over.

Joe Thornton got into a fight with a T-Rex. His slap shot penetrated the creature's heart, which he then proceeded to eat, raw. He found that he rather enjoyed the taste of bloody dinosaur hearts. There are no more dinosaurs.

Joe Thornton could stop global warming, but he decided that polar bears are overrated.

Time is divided into two eras: B.C. (Bruin Confinement) and A.D. (After Deal).

The only things certain in life are death and taxes. When the IRS asked Joe Thornton to pay, they became the same thing.

Joe Thornton walked past Helen Keller and said "Hi." Her eyes and ears realized nothing in the rest of her life could possibly match that, and promptly retired.

If Joe Thornton goes a whole game without getting a point, it was only because you weren't cheering loud enough.

There are no mysteries, just questions that bore Joe Thornton.

Joe Thornton's playoff beard cannot be shaved by any razor on Earth.

Cars look both ways before crossing an intersection to avoid being hit by Joe Thornton.

Gene Simmons claims to have slept with over 5,600 women. For Joe Thornton, that's a lazy Saturday morning.

Wayne Gretzky is called "The Great One" because all other positive adjectives are reserved exclusively for Joe Thornton.

Someone once told me "nothing is impossible." Obviously, he had never tried to intercept a pass from Joe Thornton.

The Ice Age occurred because Joe Thornton couldn't find an adequate hockey rink.

Joe Thornton once counted to infinity. He still couldn't find a number big enough to count his total number of assists.

If Chuck Norris tried to deflect a Joe Thornton slap shot with a roundhouse kick, the energy expelled from the collision would be sufficient to destroy the universe.

When it appears that Joe Thornton has led someone too far with a pass, he hasn't. He is simply seeing into the later periods when someone will be there, and demonstrating to his teammates and fans that he is clairvoyant.

A rattlesnake once bit Joe Thornton in the leg. After five hours of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.

Joe Thornton once took some time off. Remember the Bubonic Plague?

Santa Claus had to flee to the North Pole because he got on Joe Thornton's "Naughty" list.

An animal is added to the Endangered Species List if it pisses off Joe Thornton.

Superman wears Joe Thornton underwear.

Joe Thornton never misses a shot, the puck just feels bad for the opposing goalie.

Joe Thornton isn't stretching before a game. He's holding the earth together with his legs.

Joe Thornton can divide by zero.

There was once an asteroid headed straight for New York City. Joe Thornton deflected it into the Anaheim goal.

Leap Years were established because 365 days a year of playing hockey was just not enough for Joe Thornton.

Cruise missiles are guided by Joe Thornton wrist shots. The ones that miss are actually passes mishandled by Josh Gorges.

Joe Thornton once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. He won by five.

After having the first atomic bomb dropped on them, the Japanese wouldn't surrender. After the second atomic bomb, the Japanese still wouldn't surrender. Then President Truman threatened to send Joe Thornton. The war was over.

Francis Scott Key wrote the word "stars" into the National Anthem, and also titled it "The Star-Spangled Banner." Francis Scott Key also died from pleurisy. This is not a coincidence. Joe Thornton hates the Dallas Stars, and also has the ability to infect people with fatal diseases at will.

Keith Richards watched Joe Thornton play hockey for the Sharks. Since then, he has constantly, but unsuccessfully, been trying to find a comparable high.

In 2003, Joe Thornton got into a fight with two police officers and was ordered to serve community service. His community service was sparing the police officers' lives.

Chris Pronger once beat up Joe Thornton. He was then awakened from his dream by a Joe Thornton shoulder check.

Joe Thornton's mother dispenses whiskey from her breasts. While breastfeeding, young Joe Thornton would simultaneously beat up police officers.

Joe Thornton could not pass through airport security because every part of his body is considered a lethal weapon.

Joe Thornton likes to snack on human brains. How else could you explain Nashville fans?

Because Joe Thornton likes to eat so much, he needed a way to store his extra fat outside of his body. He amassed all of his excess lard into a fat, ugly, and unintelligent blob, which he then named Barry Trotz.

When Lee Harvey Oswald tried to snipe John F. Kennedy, Joe Thornton deflected all three bullets with his hockey stick. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

There are no lesbians, just women who have never seen Joe Thornton.

Joe Thornton wears padding to protect the other players.

Joe Thornton does not shower. He swims in the tears of Bruins fans.

Barry Bonds never did steroids. Joe Thornton breathed on him.

oh my god, thats beautiful!!

it reminds of jack bauer (24) facts you can find online!!

just in case there are any 24 fans out there: http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty

I LOVE THIS!!! LOL who can't love Big Joe? I love the one that says the only reason Chris Pronger is alive is because Big Joe finds his efforts amusing.

sabeeshockey wrote:

oh my god, thats beautiful!!

it reminds of jack bauer (24) facts you can find online!!

just in case there are any 24 fans out there: http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty

whoo go 24! one of my favorite shows!

skijunkie1124 wrote:

whoo go 24! one of my favorite shows!

muaha, me too

my fave is the one about gene simmons and a lazy afternoon

skijunkie1124 wrote:

Joe Thornton likes to snack on human brains. How else could you explain Nashville fans?

THOSE WERE GREAT!!! Ha Ha take that Nashville, jerks knocked us out....(I'm still bitter)

PWA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA.............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA I'm just laughing my ass oFF!!! PWA HA HA HA HA....my mom even came to downstair to check if what was sooo funny................she didn'T understand!!! .......................

I also got that style of joke...wait............Just need to replace Chuck Norris my Joe Thornton

Joe Thornton already counted to the infinty....TWICE!

Joe Thornton made love BEFORE his own father

Joe Thornton's tears can cure cancer.....unfortunetly ...Joe Thornton never cries
LOL